


I Want You to Be Happier

by xcourtney_chaoticx



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, M/M, but we all know he comes back to life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 23:44:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17395985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xcourtney_chaoticx/pseuds/xcourtney_chaoticx
Summary: Spock loves him. He loves him so much... Too much. No one should love any one person this much.He must leave if either of them are to survive and be happy ever again.(for T'hy'la Bang 2019!)





	I Want You to Be Happier

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: there is a portion that discusses Spock's thought process as he dies in WoK. I did do some research into what acute radiation poisoning is like, so please be aware that that portion may disturbing both in detail and in content, as Spock is actively thinking about his imminent death. It is the third (3rd) section if you need/want to skip it.

It’s early when Spock wakes, looks to the one beside him in the bed, feels his heart clench in his side. He feels almost ashamed of what he’s done. _This is not appropriate. We cannot have this._ It is his captain that slumbers beside him, naked, his expression blissful even as he sleeps. Spock’s gut twists.

He loves him. He loves him more than his career, than his Vulcan homeworld, than his own life. Spock would sacrifice everything to keep this man happy, even his own happiness, and it strikes him that he shouldn’t think that way. Those are not healthy thoughts. _I should leave._ Neither of them would be happy if he left, but at least Kirk would have another chance at happiness with someone far more human than Spock, someone whose attitude and willingness to express emotion can match his. _I will leave._

Kirk begins to move, slowly waking, and he grins up at Spock as he opens his eyes, beautiful eyes the color of honey in sunlight.

“Spock, lay back down,” he entreats lovingly, “I miss you.”

“I have not gone anywhere,” Spock replies, leaving the ‘yet’ unsaid.

“Yes you have. You’re all the way over there… when you belong over here. Please, Spock…”

Of course, he’s never been able to turn down his captain, never been able to tell him no. So he goes back to his embrace, eagerly accepting the kisses and touches from this man he loves so much. He loves him too much to leave. He loves him so much he must leave. His choices and thoughts wrestle violently with each other in the back of his mind as Kirk kisses him thoroughly, lovingly, perfectly. He must leave.

___________________________________

“You can’t leave! You can’t!”

Kirk is beyond angry with him, and Spock can’t blame him. Spock, after all, had given him no indication of his desire to leave and return to Vulcan.

“Spock, I just- I don’t understand!” he shouts, “You just wanna throw away three years of- of us? I don’t know why! Tell me _why_ , dammit!”

“I must return to Vulcan-“

“But why? Why didn’t you tell me? You let me make plans with you! Chrissakes, _you_ were making plans with _me_! What did I do?”

“What do you mean?”

“I did something… something to make you angry, and that’s why you want to leave, so just- just tell me what it is so I can fix it and make it better and you can stay.”

He’s pleading now, his voice desperate and needy. Spock’s stomach twists painfully. He wants to stay. For a brief moment, he decides to stay. Leaving suddenly feels like the worst choice he could possibly make. _We’ll both be miserable and unhappy and heartbroken and-_ No. He must leave. It’s for the best. Kirk will be happier without him.

“I must return to Vulcan and complete Kolinahr, the ritual which will purge my mind of all emotion-“

“ _Why_ , Spock?” Kirk demands, his voice almost a whine, “Why do you want to get rid of your emotions? Don’t you love me?”

 _Of course I love you. I love you too much. I would let worlds die to keep you safe._ But Spock says none of that, simply averts his gaze. He hears Kirk draw in a shuddering breath and knows instantly that he hurt him.

“Fine… Fine. Goodbye, Spock. I’d say I hope this makes you happy, but obviously, you don’t want to be happy… and you don’t want me to be happy, either,” Kirk tells him, and then he leaves.

Spock feels a tug, wants to follow him, wants to prostrate himself at the man’s feet and beg forgiveness, but he can’t. He’s made his choice, and he knows Kirk will be happier in the end. They both will be. So Spock leaves. He turns and leaves the quarters they’ve shared and goes to board his shuttle to Vulcan, never to return.

Thoughts of Kirk won’t leave him, though, no matter how hard he tries. He remembers all the nights they spent tangled together, all the kisses they shared, all the dangers they faced only to come out stronger. He remembers his lovely face and beautiful eyes and warm laugh and perfect smile. He thinks of Kirk with someone else now, someone who will laugh at his jokes and will smile with him and grieve with him and openly express their affection. The thought fills him with rage and sadness. _He is mine… only mine._ These are the emotions he must purge. This is why he came to pursue Kolinahr, why he came to Vulcan, why he came to purge all these emotions. They are dangerous.

 _But the emotions are also mine._ It has been almost three Standard years, three long years, since Spock came to Gol to undertake Kolinahr. He even seems to have tricked these old masters. He is not ready for this, no matter how much he pretends. He looks in the direction of Earth, thinks of his beloved. _Jim! Good-bye, my… my t’hy’la. This is the last time I will permit myself to think of you or even your name again._

Of course, that was not to be. His connection to Kirk is far too strong, and even all the way on Earth, Kirk is able to project thoughts to him. His Kolinahr would not be completed today. Today… Today he must return to Earth. In returning to Earth, he must also return to Kirk.

He tries to remain emotionless. He tries to make Kirk believe that all is the same as when he left. He wants to. The Kolinahr still calls to him, and he wants to complete it.

But then he sees Kirk. He sees his lovely face and beautiful eyes and warm laugh and perfect smile again, and it tugs at his heart. He feels the same pull as he did before their parting, the need to prostrate himself at the man’s feet and beg forgiveness, and he almost gives in.

Only after all their trials with V’Ger, does Spock finally realize he’s been wrong the whole time. When he clutches Kirk- no, he is Jim- clutches Jim’s hand, does he realize how much he loves him and always has, that the depth of his love is normal, that Jim feels exactly the same way about him.

They retire to Jim’s quarters back on Earth, and Jim pulls him into an embrace, murmuring, “God, I’ve missed you, Spock… I’ve missed you so much.”

“And I missed you, Jim,” Spock replies, face buried against his neck, “It was you who brought me back, your thoughts I heard that made me return… and I am very glad I did.”

Jim pulls back to look at him, tears in his eyes, and Spock tells him, “I did not complete the Kolinahr. I could not… because I realized I was a fool. My emotions are as much a part of me as yours are of you. To attempt to remove them is illogical… especially when I am so fond of these particular emotions.”

“I love you,” Jim tells him.

Spock feels his hands sweep over the points of his ears, carding through his silvering hair, and he finally tells him the truth.

“I love you also, Jim… more than anything.”

A single tear trails down Jim’s cheek as he grins. Spock finds himself pulled into a tender kiss, Jim continuously telling him, “I love you,” every time their lips part. Spock kisses him back, desperate to get across to him exactly how much he loves him.

“Come back to me, Spock… please… come back to me,” Jim murmurs.

“I already have, _ashayam_.”

Spock pulls him in for another kiss, this one more fiery and passionate. It lasts a long while… and so does the rest of their evening.

___________________________________

The choice is easy, really. He makes it in seconds. _One life is not worth hundreds._ In his heart, he knows that’s a lie. There is one life for whom he would sacrifice anything and everything, and that’s really what he’s doing now. He can’t hear Scott and McCoy so much as he can feel them, a tenuous link in his mind born of their close friendship radiating their terror and grief. McCoy’s is more tangible since Spock placed his _katra_ in the doctor’s mind.

The brightness of the radiation blinds him, first burning through his vestigial eyelid, then through his retinas. He can feel it eating away at skin and muscle and bone, exposed flesh beginning to desquamate under the intense radiation. His body will fail him. There is no escaping it. This choice was always to end in his death. _Spunau bolayalar t'Wehku bolayalar t'Zamu il t'Veh._ It takes every bit of mental and physical control he has to continue his work. This has to work. It must. Jim-

He feels the ship accelerate and almost cries with relief. Jubilation that isn’t wholly his flares in his mind. _Jim…_ _you will be angry with me._ It’s such a short time they’ve had together. They came back to each other expecting an eternity, and Spock ruined it. _But Jim… ashayam, you will live… and that is enough._ He still feels the tendrils of grief and fear coming from Scott and McCoy, feels a stab of sadness for himself. Death has never felt so immediate.

Spock slides to the floor, unable to stand, pain burning through his failing body. Every part of his body is giving way: his lungs, his bowels, his muscles, his brain. It won’t be long now. Suddenly, he feels it. Worse than the physical pain, he feels a scream in his brain as surely as if it were trying to claw its way out of his throat. _Jim…_ He’s so weak, he can’t even reach back to comfort him.

“Spock!”

The voice of his beloved spurs him into motion, the last motion he knows he will be capable of. Spock slowly, excruciatingly, pulls himself to his feet, indulging himself with the motion of adjusting his jacket. He still cannot see. He can, however, feel. He knows Jim is here, knows he is near, and he walks toward him, desperate for a final embrace from the one he loves. He forgets his is encased behind thick glass. Another wave of sadness washes over him but it’s for naught. He is dying no matter what. At least he is not alone.

“Ship… out of danger?” he queries, already knowing the answer and hoping the normalcy will help Jim.

“Yes.”

Jim’s voice is tight and thick with emotion.

“Don’t grieve, Admiral…” Spock tells him, still desperate to comfort his beloved, “it is logical… The needs of the many… outweigh…”

His voice is beginning to fail him too, just as the rest of his body has. He doesn’t know how he is still standing. Jim’s voice is deceptively steady as he helps Spock finish his sentence, “…the needs of the few…”

“…or the one.”

 _I am failing._ His knees begin to buckle but he forces himself to stand.

“I never took… the Kobayashi Maru test… until now… What do you think of my solution?”

Jim breathes out his name, like an admonishment, like a prayer, like it’s the only word he knows. _I am failing…_ When Spock’s legs give out this time, he lets them, slowly sliding down the thick glass that separates him from Jim. He can feel Jim follow him, knows he is right here with him. _…but I am not alone._

“I have been… and always shall be… your friend.”

Friend. It seems such an inappropriate word for their relationship, but at its heart, that is what their relationship is. Yes, they are lovers and soulmates, romantic and sexual partners, but at their core, they are the greatest of friends. None of those other aspects would be possible if not for their deep and abiding friendship. The phrase is important to them, so Spock uses it as a goodbye. He lifts hand to the glass, pressing his palm against it, arranging his fingers in the ta’al, telling Jim, “Live long… and prosper…”

He feels Jim try to emulate him on the other side of the glass, Jim obviously trying to project as much as possible regarding his movement when Spock can’t see him, but Spock isn’t going to last much longer. Even if McCoy could help him, the room must remain sealed for another hour to contain and decontaminate the radiation levels. _I am tired… I am failing…_ Spock slips further down the glass. He leans against it, wanting the respite it will give his tired body. Jim is still with him. _I am not alone._

The last thing he hears is Jim’s anguished, “No-,” the sound abortive and painful. _Do not grieve, ashayam… I am not alone._

___________________________________

He is disoriented. He remembers nothing, not even who he is. People look over him, two in particular looking… concerned? He doesn’t know what that means. _Where am I?_ One person sits by him, asking in a deep, calm voice, “How do you feel?”

“I… do not know,” he answers truthfully, “Who are you?”

“I am your father, Sarek, son of Skon. This is your mother, Amanda Grayson of Earth. Do you know the meaning of these words?”

“I do not.”

Amanda’s eyes are wet. _Tears. She is crying._ He asks, “Mother, why are you crying?”

“Because I’m so happy to have you back, my darling. I love you very much, so very much.”

“I do not know what happened. I do not know who or where I am.”

“I shall tell you everything, Spock.”

And he does. _Spock… my name is Spock._ He touches the ceremonial robes he is clothed in with reverence, somehow knowing their significance. Things slowly return him. He is Vulcan. Vulcan is a planet. He was on a ship out among the stars and something happened to it.

“You… You died, Spock,” Sarek explains softly, “and your friends came back to save you because-… because they love you, and because your mother and I love you. Come, Spock, you should see your friends.”

He helps Spock to stand and adjust his robe, treating him with gentle reverence, saying, “The priestesses wish to have a final word with you, and then they will lead you out. I will be waiting with your friends. Do not be afraid, Spock.”

Spock isn’t sure if he knows what ‘afraid’ is. He listens to his father and speaks with the priestesses, answering their questions truthfully and patiently. After a while, they finally release him, two men escorting him out into the open air. The hood blocks much of the sun from his eyes, something for which he is grateful. The hot, dry air is familiar to him, easily filling his nose and lungs and feeling just right. A small group of people awaits him. His father is with them. Initially he passes by them, intent on ignoring them but…

Spock removes the hood from his head and turns. One of the men stands out: handsome, warm eyes, round face. Spock is inexplicably drawn to him, and he tries to hide it, looking to each of the others in turn until he finally approaches him.

“My father says you have been my friend… You came back for me.”

It is a statement. The man replies, “You would have done the same for me.”

“Why would you do this?”

“Because the needs of the one… outweigh the needs of the many.”

 _That is illogical._ Spock thinks for a moment, steps away as he tries to remember this man, and the phrase slips unbidden from his lips before he can stop it.

“I have been, and ever shall be… your friend.”

“Yes! Yes, Spock.”

The man seems happy, but is also still very clearly worried. Spock asks, “The ship… Out of danger?”

“You saved the ship,” he tells him, “You saved us all. Don’t you remember?”

His voice is tight. The worry is more evident. _I want to alleviate this worry._ Something in him desperately wants to make this man feel better. He can feel something pressing at his mind, begging for admittance, desperate to return home. A glimmering tendril stands at the doorway of his mind, looking up at the formidable wall, as if to ask, ‘ _Won’t you let me in?_ ’

It hits Spock all at once, a wave of realization. He steps closer to the man who seems so concerned for him.

“Jim…” he says with surety, “your name is Jim.”

“Yes,” Jim replies, and his handsome face splits into a wide grin, happiness flowing from him rich waves. There’s another little tug and he looks to another man, face wrinkled and eyes a bright blue, who taps a finger against his temple in a gesture Spock doesn’t fully understand. The others approach too, surrounding him, and while he doesn’t remember their names or faces, he somehow knows them, knows they are his friends, that they love him.

He opens the door of his mind, allowing his glimmering tendril out to connect with the one outside. They meet joyously, twining together.

- _Spock, you’ve come back.-_

_-Of course. You are the one who brought me back… You must forgive me. I do not remember much. I need time for my memories to return.-_

_-And you’ll have all the time you need, Spock. I promise.-_

_-Jim… I do remember that I love you.-_

There’s no reply, but he does see Jim’s eyes fill with tears as he ducks his head, leaning into the blue-eyed man. He whispers something to him, and Blue-Eyes turns to Spock, telling him, “Thank you, Spock… Thank you.”

___________________________________

Spock approaches Jim in a corridor, both men preparing to walk to their quarters. The dust has settled from their latest adventure, the ruffled feathers and irate tempers soothed sufficiently for them not to all be thrown into the brig.

“They gave us a room together, Spock,” Jim says quietly, “Feels just like old times, before-… well… like old times.”

“Yes… like old times…”

They walk in silence, enjoying each other’s company, but there’s an air of uncertainty hanging around them. It isn’t uncomfortable, not yet. The nighttime San Francisco air is cool and damp, just as Spock remembered. _We used to walk together like this before-… before._ It’s a good memory, and Spock clings to it.

Once in their apartment, Spock speaks first, saying, “Jim, I have never told you why I chose to partake in the Kolinahr.”

“I never asked. I was so happy to have you back that- that I just never asked. You don’t have to tell me, either-“

“You deserve to know. I hurt you terribly with my decision.”

Jim drops his gaze, murmuring, “Yes… you did.”

“You did not deserve that pain, Jim… not at all,” Spock tells him, his voice quieting, as he steps closer to Jim, “Therefore, I must tell you why I did it.”

He silently urges Jim to meet his gaze and Jim does so, his warm eyes still so full of love.

“I left to pursue Kolinahr because one day, when we were still stationed on the Enterprise, I woke beside you after a night of lovemaking, and… and I realized how much I love you. At that time, I felt my love for overreach all things. I knew what I would do to keep you and protect you, and it was dangerous. I felt that I would destroy worlds for you, and to me, that was wrong. It was improper to love someone so much. These feelings were dangerous not only to me but to others. I could not abide that… so I decided to leave. I thought you and I would both be happier that way.”

Jim’s eyes are filled with tears now, emotion so clear in his face that Spock’s heart clenches at the sight. He continues, “Then, on Vulcan, in that sacred place where I was meant to purge those dangerous emotions… I could not be rid of you. I heard your voice along our bond, and I knew I had to leave, to return to you.”

“And I’m so glad you did, Spock, my love,” Jim whispers, his hands cupping Spock’s face, thumbs stroking over his cheekbones.

“As am I, _ashayam_. There is nowhere I would rather be than by your side.”

He doesn’t elaborate on everything he learned. It is okay that he values his love for Jim more than becoming perfectly Vulcan, okay that he desperately longs for Jim’s happiness, okay that he wants to be with him. They can survive anything if only they have each other. A world was born and destroyed through that love… and it’s perfectly fine.

Spock simply draws Jim in for a kiss, the first they’ve shared since his return from death. It’s simple and beautiful, their lips working in slow concert, feelings they can’t verbalize pouring between them. Jim’s hands are still firmly on his face, holding him as if he’ll disappear into a cloud, as if he’ll never let go.

“I love you, Spock,” Jim whispers against his lips, “I love you so much. Please… Please, Spock, never leave me again.”

“Never… not if I can help it,” Spock replies reverently, kisses Jim again, says, “I love you, Jim… more than anything else, I love you.”

Jim pulls him back in, kissing him thoroughly, deeply, passionately. Emotion wells up in Spock’s chest. When they finally part lips to breathe, Jim asks, “Are you happy now, Spock?”

“I have never been happier than I am today, and I am nowhere near as happy as I will be tomorrow when I am with you.”

Jim grins, a wide and beatific smile. Spock finds himself smiling back. _We are happy now… together._

**Author's Note:**

> I actually managed to write happy endings in my last few fics. I'm just as amazed as everyone else, believe me.


End file.
